Dear Anger.

I shut you away when I was young,
I saw the harm you caused expressed in the aura of others.

Potent, unthinking.

Desperate harmful unconsciousness.

 

Almost out of body.

Present & unpresent at once.

I still do when your presence arises in others.

Even if it’s healthy.

Other’s anger & shame… Weaves in my heart Misunderstood & internalised.

 

I still find you hard to express when you arise.

I’m still disgusted by your presence & the unhealthy modelling of your expression I took as your truth.

Lately I’ve been forced to be angry.

I realise, I never stopped being hyper-vigilent to your presence.

I’m still attuned to the emotions of others, although I don’t always interpret it right.

Maybe I never did.

I always thought anger must be because of me…

 

Yet… Now, as anger comes seething out of my ovaries, I am just not too sure how to hold it.

The anger is true, but it’s generations overdue.

So its a lot of Rage.

 

Rage for the things I believe/d about myself.

Rage for the places I’ve closed my heart in protection.

Rage for the relationships I’ve had (even though I’m grateful for them too…

Rage, because somewhere, somehow, the mess of anger became mazed within my self worth.

Rage that others can express their anger without giving a shit about how it impacts those around them.

I’m angry that when I shut down in the face of anger, I then get shamed for not speaking up at the time.

I’m angry for being misunderstood & I’m angry I’ve misunderstood others.

So now as all this rage lifts from my body.

I feel messy, I feel unkempt.

I feel untethered.

Anger is the emotion I am the least comfortable with, although I’ve come to realise it’s been seething from my pores… Now I’m vowing to learn her… The interwebs are not resonating.

I wonder ~ are there others who have had a similar journey?

I would love to hear x